The Invitational Golf Tournament; Lions Municipal, Austin, Texas ~ Saturday, March 27th, 12:00pm Registration; 1:00pm Shotgun Start. Pay to Play, $90 per person
To Register contact: [email protected]
The Founders of the exclusive “The Invitational Golf Tournament” are famous, mysterious and legendary for avoiding interviews. But after seeing the brilliant and revelatory film made about them (see above) I became determined to track them down and speak with them before the 4th Annual The Invitational.
And here it is, the first ever interview with The Founders.
ML: Good afternoon, gentlemen. How are you doing?
One Founder: Next question.
ML: There is great interest in your golf tournament. Many people want to know more about it.
more at the jump…
The Other Founder: Next Question.
ML: That was not a question. Moving along, what is The Invitational?
One Founder: Interesting. A two-part question. I’ll take the first part. It’s a formal, prestigious, invite-only, annual event held at the sacred Lions Municipal golf course in Austin, Texas
ML: Let’s talk about the day of the tournament. How do you get things started?
The Other Founder: The opening ceremonies are quite similar to those of the Olympics, but we would never go so far as to say they’ve borrowed all of our ideas.
MP: And to close it down?
One Founder: The Annual The Invitational Awards Ceremony, with our Stand Up Dinner; always a wild time. It’s what most of the participants look forward to and it’s at this time that we present motorized vehicles as awards for Best Mustache and Best Dressed. Big prizes.
ML: I have noticed that there are some fantastic outfits worn to The Invitational. Is this what you mean by Best Dressed?
One Founder: Yes. We have no room or tolerance for mock turtlenecks, pleats, or wraparound sunglasses. No logos. Unless it’s The Invitational logo. This event is for the little people, Larry.
ML: It’s Mary.
Continuing… The small, insignificant everymanwoman who wants to be a part of an elite, lower-echelon, secret-public golfing event. You need not be a golfer to play in The Invitational, don a perfect mustache, and win very expensive motorized prizes.
ML: Are there any other prizes?
One Founder: Of course, many, many prizes. Let’s see, prizes are awarded for Short Drive, Furthest from the Pin, Best Cop Mustache, Best Adult Entertainer Mustache, Furthest Traveled to get to the Event…
The Other Founder (interrupting): People come from California, New York City, and Chicago; even have a few come in from Mexico. It’s truly an international event of local proportion.
One Founder (continuing): …Closest to your Due Date, and this year we are hosting the first ever “Miss The Invitational Pageant.” A natural mustache would probably win it. And there’s a prize for first place, of course.
ML: You mean for winning the actual golf tournament?
The Other Founder: For winning The Invitational, yes. We give away the coveted sword and the coveted maroon and white blazers.
ML: Maroon and white blazers and a sword?
One Founder: Now that’s a three-part question Oprah. I’m ok with three-parters, just stay away from the two-part questions.
ML: Why maroon and white?
Founders in unison: Loyal Forever, Conan. Loyal Forever.
ML: Tell me, why a sword?
The Other Founder: Why not?
One Founder: Why not, let me see.
The Other Founder: Rhetorical question.
One Founder: This is why we don’t give interviews, very confusing.
ML: Gentlemen, let’s get back on topic.
The Other Founder: Let’s do it, Oprah.
ML: Unlike other golf tournaments, why doesn’t The Invitational do anything for charity? Why is it completely devoid of any social merit?
The Other Founder: The Invitational is an entity. As defined by Webster’s. To para-quote the great fiscal visionary and our personal accountant, Ronald Milhous Reagan, money don’t grow on trees, it trickles down the pipes – if you put enough on top. That said, much of the proceeds generated by the tournament are filtered through the ReynStick Group, a non-profit hedge fund which funnels capital for the research of prosthetic technology for hobbled grackles and the betterment of pond frogs.
One Founder: May I field this one as well? Basically, for lack of a better term, The Invitational is created for you, Arsenio, and for your kids. For kids and for people. Though kids aren’t allowed because of the cursing and the booze and the adult prizes that are given away.
ML: Tell me, how did the two of you meet?
One Founder: Jay, we don’t like to get into the past. We like to move forward. We don’t look back.
The Other Founder: We met at the Rucker basketball tournament in Harlem in 1982.
ML: Why do you dress like twins?
One Founder: Well, Barbara, it’s like Patrick Swayze said. Give me mousse or give me the Double Deuce.
ML: Why do you treat your caddies so poorly?
The Other Founder: Who are we to define “poorly?”
ML: What are some of the highlights of past The Invitationals?
One Founder: We’d be remiss to not mention Mortimer Alvin Jerrod Finsterwall the III (RIP) winning The 1968 The Invitational on his own ball. Sadly, Finsterwall spent his final days penniless, living out of the back bunker on the 12th hole. He was undone by adult onset shanks and several aggressive investments with the ReynStick Group. Which we can’t comment on specifically until our attorneys makes bail.
The Other Founder: G. Jonathan Vande, a wealthy Navy man with a closet full of turtlenecks to prove it drank a case of warm beer and ate a sleeve of golf balls in the parking lot before the 1990 tournament.
ML: What are some of the lowlights of past The Invitationals?
One Founder: We knew that question was coming. We’ve addressed the Turkish Game Hen fiasco 1,000 times. Look, we had no idea they were…
ML (interrupting): That’s not what I meant.
One Founder: Oh, then you’re referring to the American Golden Plover debacle.
The Other Founder: Bare-naked Fruit Crow catastrophe?
ML: No, um.
The Other Founder: Double-Toothed Bearded Finch problem we had? Basically, Dave, all you need to know is…
ML (interrupting): Just for clarification, my name is Mary. Let’s keep this moving. Why should one register for The Invitational?
The Other Founder: Slow down, Johnny. Put the carriage back in front of the horse. To register, you have to be invited.
ML: How does one get invited?
The Other Founder: Pay the entry fee.
ML: Can you please clarify?
One Founder: It’s the chicken and the egg.
ML: How many participants can you have?
The Other Founder: Next question.
ML: Do you expect this year’s The Invitational to fill up?
Founders in unison: Every year, Jay. Every year.