Rick v. Kay, or Godzilla and Mothra on the Mall

Godzilla03Today we begin a new educational feature: Fun with Rick and Kay. The series will provide a continuing look at the antics of our favorite cheerleaders, engaged as they are in a “watermelon watermelon watermelon rind” yell fest with one another. Guest writer whiskeydent launches the series.

Reporters and headline writers are pulling out all the warfare metaphors to describe the Rick and Kay race.

The Washington Post calls it a “Big-Name Showdown.” Politico says it’s a battle between “Two GOP heavyweights,” a description that I’m sure Sen. Hutchison appreciated.  There are so many other pugilism references that I can’t pick just one.  That said, I think “Godzilla vs Mothra!” best sums up the race.

At the moment, the campaigns’ primary weapons are press releases, most of which quote breathless, bombastic spokespersons who are anything but big names.  A reviw of their September literary efforts suggests this race is really being fought out in a sand box instead of a boxing ring (Most of the releases can be found here.)


The releases are replete with silly puffery, childish name-calling and hysterical attacks.  The Lincoln-Douglas Debates it ain’t.  It’s not even the 2006 Bell-Friedman-Strayname-Perry Debate.

But can Perry walk on water?

In September, Perry issued several releases trumpeting his endorsements.  For example, it was a major coup when he won the coveted Texas Pest Control Association endorsement.  I guess Hutchison has locked up the termite vote.

On September 8, Perry’s campaign also announced that he’d won the endorsement of one Kelly Shackelford, who is president of a wacko GOP attack PAC known as the Free Market Foundation.

The release quotes Shackelford as saying: “(Perry) is simply unequaled by anyone in his stance for faith, family, and freedom.”

Well dang, I guess he’s right.  After all, Jesus hasn’t been around since he hauled ass for Heaven.

Names will never hurt her.

As I’m sure you know, the Republicans have their panties in a serious wad over charges that ACORN wasted our precious (pronounced pray-cious) tax dollars.  Oddly, the GOP did not raise the same questions when private contractors in Iraq pissed away hundreds of billions of dollars.  But I digress.

Hutchison, heretic that she is, committed the sin of skipping a vote on killing ACORN’s funding and, instead, went to a fundraiser where she scooped up some cash for herself.  Well, I swanny, I’ve never heard of a Republican doing somethng like that.  Have you?

With apparently a straight face, Perry’s spokesman, Mark Miner, issued a very loud harrumph: “The people of Texas elected Senator KAYCORN to make votes, not, as her spokesman says, to monitor them.”

Yes, his statement really did say “KAYCORN” and it really was written in ALL-CAPS.

Unabashed, Miner went on to say, “She should be ashamed and apologize to the people of Texas for ignoring her responsibilities in the U.S. Senate.”

Funny, I don’t recall Perry ever apologizing for raising money on state time – especially if he was secretly on a free trip to the Bahamas with Grover Norquist, James Leininger and other GOP fat cats.

Kay!  Are you out there?  Kay?

As you might gather from my analysis so far, I don’t care much for our Governor For Life.  Do not take that to mean that I’ve fallen under Hutchison’s spell.

You know, like a witch’s spell.

From her botched announcement in “La Mar Kay” to her shifting resignation dates, it would be kind to describe Hutchison’s campaign as “aimless.”  Appropriately enough, her team sends out lengthy, blathering press releases in which Perry is blamed for everything short of the heartbreak of jock itch.

On September 8, her communications director, the apparently directionless Joe Pounder, said, “The message is clear for every single dedicated public servant in Texas: Either pledge support for Rick Perry or risk losing your job.”

I guess not-so-dedicated public servants get a free pass.

Then on September 21, Pounder launched a cheap, negative attack: “In his rush to launch cheap, negative attacks, Rick Perry  proves that he would rather campaign in fiction than debate with facts.”

Hey Rick!  Hey Kay! Y’all ever heard of irony?

According to other releases, each campaign has hired geniuses, all of whom, I am sure, can justify their big salaries with a long list of  major titles for minor jobs in states smaller than Brewster County.  Hoo-frickin’-ray for them.

But isn’t it just a little ironic that big money is producing such small-minded campaigns?  And it’s only September 2009.  If Hutchison ever gets around to resigning, can you imagine what’s coming in March 2010?

Godzilla vs Mothra doesn’t seem so crazy after all.

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